sitting on my pretend beach drinking my glorified fruit punch. I'm on VACATION. *sigh 

vacation

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while, I'm on vacation, and really don't want to right now. I'll update ya'll when I get home! Until then..cio'

She who stands tall and catches pigeons

Well, I'm announcing that is my new Native American name. Here is the story behind it...

Yesterday at work, I came in around 11:30 as per usual due to a long morning at school. I never wear work clothes to school, so I end up moving the majority of my closet to work so that I can just change there instead of having to cart clothes back and forth (and as an art student, i have enough to carry!).

I work in the basement, which happens to be home to our bathroom, break room, and my "office", the pressing room. There are no windows in the basement, just artificial light, in which I owe my translucent palor to (hey, it took me 3 years to attain the ability to glow). I changed my clothes, moving back and forth between the break room and bathroom, when suddenly, I was in the bathroom and I heard a noise above me that sounded like somebody was doing work on the elevator. And since the air duct passed from our break room into the shaft of the elevator, noises like that weren't uncommon due to the elevator being older than me.

I then heard a heavy thud and several scraping noises. Thinking that I would peek my head around the corner to see what the servicemen were up to, I went into the break room to finish up and the next thing I know I have a flurry of wings and feathers above me. I shriek (hey, I am a girl!), and sprint out of the room closing the door behind me. I end up turning right back around when I realized what a wuss I was being. I opened the door slowly and looked up to see a pigeon with red beady eyes staring at me with a questioning coo. I smiled when I realized how stupid I acted and for the next 45 min. my boss and I acted like a bunch of pigeon mimicking fools on chairs with brooms trying to get the poor thing trapped in a bag.

I ended up catching it with my hands, and without fear, pinned it's wings to it's sides while her feet were comfortably perched on my thumbs around her middle. All in all, she didn't try to peck at me or anything, and all she did was rotate her head around to get a better view, and maybe a glimpse of daylight. She and I were very calm, and I ended up throwing here in the air as soon as the back door was open. I watched her fly away, wishing that I could feel that kind of freedom, grateful that she didn't poop on me during this whole ordeal.

With the excitement over, I turned to face my boss and back down the stairs we went, back to my world of artificial light, steaming irons, and wedding dresses I would never see on an actual form. With one wistful look towards the back door, I sighed and descended back into the dark.

What the 'F' ??

Ok...so I have been trying not to hang out with certain people because I'm easily influenced by them, and my guy Bstfrnd knows this...heck, we'll call him 'F'...so 'F' knows this, and he's been listening to me talk about this concept for a long time now. Here's the part I don't understand.

Yesterday I got a call at work, I answered it and it turned out to be him. First I was excited, but then I realized that he doesn't have my work number, and then it hit me...he was in town. I don't know, but for some reason I wasn't as excited about it as I normally am, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had just told him a week ago that I wasn't going to be his roommate, or even move down to Portland?? Who knows.

Well, he sheepishly told me that he was in town, but wasn't going to be here for long, and that if I wanted to see him, I had no choice but to go out to bars with him and these same friends that I have been trying so desperately not to hang out with. ARGH! First of all, that fact that he didn't tell me, pisses me off, the second, the fact that he gave me an ultimatum is just as bad. I was not happy, in fact, I was reduced to utter sobs for the second time this week! I couldn't believe how selfish and self centered he was being! I told him a long time ago, that I don't go into bars AT ALL. It's not that I would be tempted to drink, but I just don't believe it to be a healthy environment at all.

So, after many phone calls with silent shouts and uncomfy silences, and weird pauses that resulted in not being able to communicate. I couldn't even get out a coherent sentence out in the end I was in such shock from his attitude. He said that he'd be able to see me for about and hour before he left..oh...how GRACIOUS of him. I was very close to telling him to screw off and don't bother. In fact...that was my plan. He then went on to tell me that I was even lucky that he told me that he was in town, he was just planning on being here long enough for a booty call and to grab his title to his old car! GRRRRARRRGGGHHHH!!!

So, I was feeling very low, kinda felt like I didn't have any real friends anymore. So I remembered my friend Lee, and that he's always been good at hearing my rants and crazy ideas of life in general. I called him up and asked him to hang out, cuz I really needed a friend. He agreed to pick me up and show me his new car.I had already felt better by the time he pulled up. and I suggested that we get a bite to eat at the Satilite, which is a former hang out for me.

We arrived there about 9ish, and sat down in an empty booth. For being that late at night, and the day, it was actually pretty slow. I had just snagged some menu's and was haggling with my waitress friend when I looked up to see 'F' come walking in with a smug expression and 3 very gothicly clad people trailing behind him...let's see, first would be red headed scary ex-bstfrnd, then her much-lusted-over new grlbstfrnd and current booty call via 'F'. And final, scary man-child with the black face paint and signature Manson T-shirt. *sigh

My eyes got wide, and he commanded, COMMANDED that I get up. So, like a dear caught in headlights, I stood up. Now, I've known 'F' for a real long time, and I can tell when he's truly upset about something, in this particular instance, he was amused, pissed off, happy and growling while smiling at me, so I knew I was passed the beating stage. As soon as I looked into his face and saw the genuine hurt behind everything else "public friendly" I leaned forward to be enveloped into his arms, and he didn't let go for the longest time...I didn't want him too either.

He told me that I was an a** and I called him the same thing, he looked into my eyes, and then hugged me again, squeezing hard. I have a feeling that if we were alone, that he would have been shedding some tearage, same as I, had the surroundings been a little more private. He then whispered in my ear "see cass, I always get what I want". I backed off to look into his face, and remembered thinking "no, I'm still staying here, you don't get everything, especially me".

He then wanted me to hang out for a while, and exclaimed (loudly I might add), that he knew me so well, he knew that I would come here. *rolls eyes* I still wasn't happy with him, and he knows it, but he did swear that he would still come and see me before he left. My exbstfrnd said "oh, wouldn't it be nice if we could all get together for breakfast??" Ugh..no..I get some time alone to say goodbye you wench, to the back of the line with you! I did notice that 'F' did treat me with a very much noted difference from the other 2 girls in our little group. Current booty call (whom I had just met) wasn't looking too kindly in my direction whenever he would wrap his arms around me and hold me close, whispering into my ear. I get kit gloves and star treatment with him, because, I know as far as non-related females are concerned, I'm top dawg for him, and he knows it, hence the reason why he came to find me. I will always be able to hold something over the heads of all the girls he dates, and they will always come to hate me for it when they realize it, but he loves and respects me very much. When he's having a crappy day, he doesn't turn to his girlfriends for support, he calls me. For me it's pretty much the same, until I get married, he's top dawg for me as well, and he knows it!

We hung out for a couple hours, and then I decided I needed to go home. I was just about to call a cab when he told me I would do no such thing, and steered me towards his car. Much to his booty call's dismay, he insisted on taking me home. He gave me a hug, and kissed me on the neck and said he's see me tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, all I know is that things are different between us, but our friendship will always be there. *sigh....2 more weeks, 2 more weeks....woooosaaaaw! Cio'

Woke up this morning...with..a smile??!!

Hey, yah, that doesn't happen too often. All I can say is cool! Obviously I'm feeling better about things, I just needed some time to myself to feel sad for a bit, so I guess that was it.

Yesterday was humorous now that I can look back at it. Of course, not meaning to, I gave 'A' the cold shoulder when he came to get his rat. I was trying to be nice, but it just wasn't in me, and I was really tired of pretending that everything was hunky-dory, cuz it wasn't. Ya'll have to be proud of me though, I didn't say anything, and I kept the topics to a minimum. Of course he did ask me if I was pissed off at something, and I just casually replied that it had been a tough day, and I was really tired, but as usual, he asked me if I was lying, and honestly I said no, but I didn't offer any detail. I do feel bad, so after I came back to my place, I wrote him an email apologizing for my mood, and that I just needed some time alone because I was having a rough spot in my life, but I'd see him at church if nothing else. He's not stupid when it comes to my moods, but he is kinda naive about why I'm in them. Ignorance is bliss as far as he's concerned, so why make things worse?

I made a HUGE mistake at work yesterday too , and things just weren't going well. I have a feeling that Satan was very happy about me being miserable, cuz everything that could make me sad, happened. I have songs that represents all of my past relationships, and of course this would be the day that they all play on the radio as I'm hiding in the basement from customers, pressing the 30 million effing tulle prom dresses! I haven't heard these songs in a long time, but then they ALL decided to play, which did not improve my mood. Then the one time I do come upstairs to grab some files, we're so busy that I have to write a receipt out for a customer who's paying off her daughter's prom dress. Well, she pays with a Visa, so naturally I ask for her ID. I notice that she's from the same small town as Matt, and like a COMPLETE IDIOT I say that I know a family from there. Well DUH small town equals everybody knows each other! So, of course she asks who, and (while I'm kicking myself mentally), I tell them who, and lo and behold, Matt's dad happens to be the prom girl's teacher!!!!!! So she asks my name so that she could tell them hi for me. By this time I'm in panic mode, so I just smile a lame smile and tell the lady that it was ok, that I prolly should call them myself and say hi (lame, lame, lame, lame). She kinda gives me a confused look and a weak "ok" and waves goodbye (AAAAAAHHHHGG). Yeah, I can just picture the comment now..."oh, i met somebody that you know at the bridal store where my daughter got her prom dress" (parent's reply) "yeah, our son used to date that girl, she's kinda psycho for talking to you, I'd stay away, she's somewhat of a leach". *sigh...no, I don't really think they'd say that, because if anything Matt's excuse for us not being together anymore was, "things just didn't work out". I know he's not a snitch, and his family is wonderful, I really enjoyed spending time with them, so add insult to injury, I was thinks bout Matt too!

Well, so after all that, I still managed to wake up with a smile on my face. I don't care if I have to go to work, I don't care that I have a TON of homework piled up on me, for right now I'm not feeling so bad, and how I can withstand all this and still be in a good mood is beyond me. For now I'll just go for it. That, and thank goodness for the power of prayer. I think that helps too. Well, off to work, cio'!

Sadness

Right after I posted my blog last night, 'A' popped online. He got back from his trip just fine. He's in absolute heaven. He had such a wonderful time, and met so many great new people, that he's decided to move down there at the end of his lease, which happens to be up next month. I was crestfallen, I don't think I cried so hard in a long time, in fact, I think the last time I cried myself to sleep was in highschool. Well, he's completely oblivious to the fact that I'm miserable, and in all honesty...letting him know would serve no better purpose. So I've decided to suffer silently, put a big smile on my puffy face, and be happy that he's going somewhere to where he feels welcome.

He met Jenn, and she turned out to be awesome (of course), and she's "marvelously kind" as he put it. He went on to tell me how he spent 2 days helping her with her day-care job, and how he brought his guitar and harmonica and played songs for the kids. Yeah...he's smitten.

But you know what? I had a conversation with my sister this morning, and she related some stories about boys she's been in relationships with, and she made me feel better by confirming what I already thought, that 'A' was placed in my life for a good reason, to help me make some tough decisions and to put a new perspective on things. I understand that, but it still stings just a wee bit, cuz I know that once he moves down to Utah, that I'll never see him again, we'll both go our separate ways. It sucks more because we have known each other for so long, and have always had some influence on eachother, that I'm not going to have that anymore. I am happy for him, and I know that even though it's not my time to leave my home town, it's defiantly his, and he needs to get out of here as fast as he can. For right now I'm going to allow myself some personal time and kinda not hang out with him. I may feel better logically, but emotionally I'm still a little tender, that and I'm a little sad that he's completely oblivious to how I feel, but I'm thinking it's for the best.

I'll be fine, I've been through far worse (don't worry mom, i don't need condolences, cept maybe on my fishy). Cio'

Obituary For Our Dearly Departed Bud

Well, I finally got the rest of my stuff out of the apartment. Although I left one spirit behind. His name was Bud, and he was my beta and fishy companion. I've had Bud for about a year, and he was a fighter to the end. I guess that when beta's get sick, or start to die, they start floating on their side, but not Bud, he floated on his side, then tried as hard as he could to swim straight. It was actually a pathetic site, but he was a fighter to the end. Poor Bud, he had a full life, and I will miss him.

On another note I think I may have found a taker for my kitty. I have a second job at a restaurant, and I mentioned to one of my waitress friends that I was desperetly trying to find a good home for her, and she said that her husband was a sucker for kitties, especially rescue ones, which is what Leelu happens to be. So I introduced my kitty via phone pics, and her husband wants me to bring her over this week to meet the other kitties of the house. Oh...I do hope she makes a good impression, I want her to go to a loving home. *sigh...but that means I'll be all by myself. Oh well, I guess I'm used to it. *sigh, sigh*

'A' hasn't gotten home yet, I hope he's ok. I know that he has to work tomorrow, and I'm a little worried. Not just about his safety, but I'm a little worried that he extended his time because of a certain someone. Part of me hopes the best for him, and that he'll find someone who truly would take care of him like he needs, but then the other part of me keeps picturing him speeding home to jump out of his car, race up my stairs, knock furiously on my door until I open it, and once I do, grab me and give me a foot popping kiss that would rival any to this date. Eh...we all have our dreams..right? I just wish mine came true once and a while. Oh woe is lonely me. I'll be fine, I just need a vacation, and the 20th is not coming fast enough for me! Cio'

First day back

Wow...school is just plain weird this quarter. I seem to have interesting teachers. They're both male, which is new to me, for I've only had one, and that was in the very beginning, and I didn't like him too much; however I have come to the conclusion that my english teacher is insane. Either that or a wanna be comedian who excerpts humor in the oddest way that's kinda funny, but also embarrasses you based on the lameness factor. Hmmm...this is going to be interesting that's for sure.

My art teacher is some crazy old guy who wears black and walks around carrying a coffee mug (black coffee of course), and rants about society and how we're "repressed" minds. He's wanting to "expand consciousness", and "open up to other ideals of the drawing aspect". Ha! "Have fun with me Mr. Art teacher" I think to myself, although you should have seen his face when I told him the extent of my "expansion" was a little better than elaborate stick figures. Yeah...I'm gonna like this class.

Ahhhh....the road to success is long and winding with my path, but it doesn't come easy, hell, what in my life does? I've had to work hard for everything I've gotten so far, what would make this situation any different? The only class I'm a little worried about is my english class, but this time I'm not going to suffer, I'm going to use the resources I have available and get help. I can blame a certain patriarchal figurehead in my life for the stubbornness I have for getting help, but also I believe it's just my pride. Well, good fashion designers didn't get by on just pride alone...and apparently it's like one of those seven sin thingys, so I should be humble...*sigh.

Well 'A' is still in SLC, haven't heard anything from him, don't really expect to. I wrote him an email on sunday. I had a great day, and I just wanted to share it with him...it goes as follows(excerpts for the blog viewing benefit):

"As I was listening to G.C. today, I was thinking about you and how blessed you are to be attending such a wonderful meeting. I stayed at home in my p.j.'s and listened on my computer. It was a perfectly lazy day for me. The last day before school hits, I knew that I had to take a day to just relax and ignore the world outside my apartment. It was raining off and on, but the temp. was somewhat delightful, and made it possible to welcome the cool breeze and smell of rain into my apartment through the rounded turret window. I opened my turret curtains to let in the fading sunlight towards the end of the day, and decided to let Whoochie (the rat i'm watching for him) out and about. I've been handling her as much as possible to get her used to it. So instead of nipping at my exposed fingers, she merely smells them and wanders on to my shoulder. Leelu (my kitty) seems a little jealous and watches from her perch on my retro print chair as I tease the rat with my fingers on my bed of stars.

Doubt not that I have a few war scratches on my upper shoulders and neck due to 'panic attacks' that whoochie decided to have, but a few scratch marks is nothing compared to being named a "rat whisperer" as my mom got a kick out of her via web-cam.

I washed my dishes, brushed my cat and did some laundry in anticipation for tomorrow's hurried events of finding my classes, getting my supplies and then running to catch the bus for work. Amazingly I stilll have a load of stuff to retrieve from my former apartment, then I get to do the dreaded walk through. I don't expect her to give me my deposit back, I'm sure she'll find the tiniest mark on the carpet and exclaim how she now needs to hire a carpet cleaner...well, duh, they need to do that anyway!

All these moments are winding down to me plunking in front of my now cooled computer to switch on some classical music while munching on a Hershy hug which made me think of writing you(he wanted me to have a couple "hugs" while he was away). I gained so much knowledge from conference today, and I feel truly alive in the church. Have fun this week, and think of me when you look at the mountains, because they were my favorite thing to look at when I lived in Provo, and I miss them greatly. Don't forget to watch that movie( "Testament"), I know you of all people will benefit from it's wonderful production (tissue is a must). I'll drop you another email if anything else happens, even though there is a good chance that you might not get them until you get back, but hey...at least you know somebody is thinking about you...right?
Much hugs to you,
-Cass"

Now I tell you, that is NOT a bad letter. I don't plan on writing him again this week, but I hope he sees that and a part of him thinks that I'm special and truly do care, which is the truth, but more importantly I want him to think of this WHILE he's with that girl he met online. *sigh, oh well, can't have your cake and eat it too I guess. We'll see! Cio'

So I didn't need the billboard afterall...

'A' left this morning to go to SLC for the conference and to meet his new little online buddy. I think her name is Jen, but I'm not sure. I'm trying very hard not to keep track of these things. He asked me to watch his rat while he was away, and I said I didn't care, so he brought it over.

He ended up staying until about 11ish, but we talked about a few things. He noticed I was down a bit, and asked me why. I told him that I had a lot on my mind, with my GuyBstfrnd and all (of course I didn't mention the fact that I was upset because he joined the ranks of all the men in my life who forget that I have feelings). He said he had a feeling that there was more to the story, and I told him that I have a lot going on, and I'm just kinda down for some reason, I COULD blame it on hormones...that normally works for girls such as myself, but that would be a cop-out.

So we prattled on for a few hours, and FINALLY it hit me. I'm getting reeeeeeal tired of guys walking all over what's left of my heart, so I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to hide my feelings in the shadows for the greater good. For once I'm going to stand on my soapbox of emotions and not care because for once I don't want to be the only one hurting! So I called him on it. Me...ME of all people finally said what was on my mind to a guy I like! HA!

I started out by asking him if he was going to meet his new buddy while he was in SLC, and he said that she did live near there and that they would be hanging out a bit. I must have gotten this look on my face because all the sudden 'A' looked at me and his attitude changed from gushing about her, to realizing that something was up. I told him that I felt a little jacked on something, and went on to explain that after everything that has happened between us, we share and amazing moment, the he kinda goes wonky on me and tells me that he's not interested in a relationship right now, that he just wants to have time to himself, then he goes of and fraternizes with this new chick. So...you tell me, how do you think I feel at this point?

He got the message loud and clear, and he apologized because he didn't realize what he was doing. I said I understood because she's new, and I'm not. I live next door, and he pretty much knows me really well, and when that happens, guys tend to take my feelings for granted. *humph* Oh well, I told him I should be used to it by now, but it doesn't make it sting any less.

I don't know where this is going to go, and for the first time, I don't care. All I know is that I finally said to somebody "hey, this isn't fair, I'm right here, gosh darnett!!", and I'm not afraid of the consequences. My hopes are neither up nor down at this point, all I know is that school starts on monday, I have to finish cleaning my old apartment, and pay rent on my new place. *sigh* At least I'm not harboring any more unpleasant things, I just don't understand though, isn't doing things like that supposed to make me feel better?